dreams
They say dreams are our subconscious mind telling a story. Then what does it mean when I find myself forced awake because I was tired of crying. In my dream that is. This was not the first time I've had a dream where the main event was me bawling over something I can't even remember for what felt like hours.
monkey stuck in the middle.
For the past couple of months, I've been really confused as to what exactly is causing me to feel so unsatisfied and distant to the world around me. I am slowly realizing that there is a much larger reason behind it than I ever anticipated. Metaphorically speaking, I am the monkey in the middle of two opposing sides who are throwing around the ball, in this case a much more abstract object. On one side is my teenager habits, thoughts and tendencies. This side is struggling to hold on to dear life, trying its hardest to demonstrate all the great adventure it has yet to unveil. On the other side, is my adulthood who is barely pulling a lead, showing me, the monkey, that it is the stronger and more experienced competitor. This invisible ball is something that I am trying so hard to grasp, as it will change the course of my life. I have a couple of predictions as to what it might be, could be. But, thinking too much into it won't do me any good. All I know is right now, being in the middle sucks, when you feel like you're stuck there.
unreasonable.
If I don't ask you for money, what gives you the right to tell me how to use mine. There's obviously a reason why I CHOSE to work 7 days a week. Do I want to wake up every weekday at 6:30 in the morning to drag myself to work for 8 and a half hours, endure the long commute times and horrific traffic, come home and barely have time for myself because I CHOSE to take a night class as well. Do I want to go not be able to finally sleep in during the weekends and instead go to yet another job that requires me to smile at rude customers and unappreciative co-workers? I CHOSE this way to live so I don't have to ever ask you for money. Would it be better if I was to go out spending your money on food, alcohol and drugs like half of society does? I made a choice to work hard now so I can buy the stuff I want to buy. How do you even find the decency to dictate how to spend MY money that I work so hard for. It is so infuriating to go through this shit every time; there's only so much patience and understanding a person has.
I'm still young
Sometimes, its so easy to forget that I'm only one quarter into the rest of my life. Instead of trying to live my dream life right now, what I should be doing is creating that dream. I should focused on taking advantage of my youth by experiencing everything I need to before I can no longer. I should be working on achieving that final destination I would be happy staying in. I need to adventure into unfamiliar opportunities that come my way. This is how, one day, I can say that I haven't wasted my youth.
anxiety
Today, I had my first real anxiety attack and it was the worst feeling I have ever experienced in my life. At first, I suspected that it was due to lack of sleep but I tried to relieve that by taking a nap. Not only did I have trouble falling asleep (which rarely happens), I also had a very restless sleep (which is even more rare). When I awoke, the tiredness did not surpass and I was not in the mood to do anything. However, I forced myself to get up and start studying for my exam tomorrow.
As I was studying, I began to gradually experience dizziness and nausea then this unexplainable feeling of losing control. I have felt this before, mildly, but it usually went away within an hour. This horrible feeling lasted the entire afternoon until it started to progressively worsen.
The chest pains hit me suddenly and sharply , dragging with it waves of chills and hot flashes. That's when I got really worried; but at the same time, I was very aware of these symptoms so I tried to exercise deep breaths to prevent myself from hyperventilating. I began to research what might be the cause of all of this to find that it matches up to all the symptoms of an anxiety attack. This is really surprising to me since I'm generally a very unemotional and calm person. I hate showing showing any negative feelings almost as much as talking about. But today I realized when you keep it in for too long, its just going to all come out at once and that is extremely overwhelming.
Anyways, since I was completely alone in a room for hours, I figured that it might help if I was to go to the library and actually be surrounded by people even none of them are talking. So that's where I am right now, and I feel so much better but not completely normal. Maybe it was the fresh air during the walk there, or iced capp that I picked up on the way or just the feeling of having indirect human interaction.. Also writing this is almost like telling a very close friend whom I trust what I'm feeling so it helps alot.
For those couple of hours that seemed to drag on, I failed to believe in the phrase 'it gets better' but honestly, it felt like it was never going to. The worst thing about it is that I know that this is probably just the first of many.
I hate this feeling, please make it stop.
As I was studying, I began to gradually experience dizziness and nausea then this unexplainable feeling of losing control. I have felt this before, mildly, but it usually went away within an hour. This horrible feeling lasted the entire afternoon until it started to progressively worsen.
The chest pains hit me suddenly and sharply , dragging with it waves of chills and hot flashes. That's when I got really worried; but at the same time, I was very aware of these symptoms so I tried to exercise deep breaths to prevent myself from hyperventilating. I began to research what might be the cause of all of this to find that it matches up to all the symptoms of an anxiety attack. This is really surprising to me since I'm generally a very unemotional and calm person. I hate showing showing any negative feelings almost as much as talking about. But today I realized when you keep it in for too long, its just going to all come out at once and that is extremely overwhelming.
Anyways, since I was completely alone in a room for hours, I figured that it might help if I was to go to the library and actually be surrounded by people even none of them are talking. So that's where I am right now, and I feel so much better but not completely normal. Maybe it was the fresh air during the walk there, or iced capp that I picked up on the way or just the feeling of having indirect human interaction.. Also writing this is almost like telling a very close friend whom I trust what I'm feeling so it helps alot.
For those couple of hours that seemed to drag on, I failed to believe in the phrase 'it gets better' but honestly, it felt like it was never going to. The worst thing about it is that I know that this is probably just the first of many.
I hate this feeling, please make it stop.
how can I be myself when I dont know who I am.
Before I get started, I wanted to say that this post was inspired by a ridiculously deep video from Jenna Marbles. The content in that video is amazing and real. Basically, she talks about being yourself and that only you can be the best you. This is true and I totally agree with everything she says in the video but one thing I was thinking the entire time was : Who am I really?
Today, I made the mistake of looking through old facebook posts and pictures. The sad thing, I have the most horrible memory out of everyone I know sso this trip down memory lane was like a big reality slap in the face. It made me realize how much I dont understand myself even after all these years. Looking at the posts, it feels like I was a completely different person, one that I am not familiar with. It left me confused about when and what caused me to become so unemotional and so cold all the time. When did I stop being comfortable with myself and care so much about what other people think. I notice how happy I was as bad as this sounds, I feel like I havent been genuinely happy in a very long time. Jenna Marbles says that we become our own person as time go by. If this is true, then I am definitely not satisfied with the person I am becoming.
I am a believer of we can be who we want to be. As long as it feels natural and you feel good being that person, it's not fake. It's just time for me to find out what makes me feel like I am being myself.
Today, I made the mistake of looking through old facebook posts and pictures. The sad thing, I have the most horrible memory out of everyone I know sso this trip down memory lane was like a big reality slap in the face. It made me realize how much I dont understand myself even after all these years. Looking at the posts, it feels like I was a completely different person, one that I am not familiar with. It left me confused about when and what caused me to become so unemotional and so cold all the time. When did I stop being comfortable with myself and care so much about what other people think. I notice how happy I was as bad as this sounds, I feel like I havent been genuinely happy in a very long time. Jenna Marbles says that we become our own person as time go by. If this is true, then I am definitely not satisfied with the person I am becoming.
I am a believer of we can be who we want to be. As long as it feels natural and you feel good being that person, it's not fake. It's just time for me to find out what makes me feel like I am being myself.
change: good or bad?
Change: The act or instance of making or becoming different.
For me, change is good and bad but I am always accepting of change. I think if you welcome change with open arms, you will see the best out of it. On the contrary, how can you enjoy the difference that the change made if you refuse to accept it. Now, change can refer to many aspects of life including change in surrounding, change in physical appearance, personality, friend groups. somethings we don't want to change and some we can't wait to change.
Throughout the school years, I definitely feel like I went through so many changes that molded me to be the person I am today. I can't really decide if I'm happy with how everything turned out but I feel like I have matured so much in the past 2 years and learned so much through those experiences. Things that used to matter so much, don't anymore. Its
The problem right now, I feel like my life has hit a plateau defined by constant routine. School, eat, study, sleep and repeat. For once, I'm desiring change, it doesn't come. It's just one of those things that happen to you when you least expect it.
For now, I am embracing this hate love relationship with change. at least it gives me something to be excited about. The next time I write, hopefully I'd have some more exciting news to share.
For me, change is good and bad but I am always accepting of change. I think if you welcome change with open arms, you will see the best out of it. On the contrary, how can you enjoy the difference that the change made if you refuse to accept it. Now, change can refer to many aspects of life including change in surrounding, change in physical appearance, personality, friend groups. somethings we don't want to change and some we can't wait to change.
Throughout the school years, I definitely feel like I went through so many changes that molded me to be the person I am today. I can't really decide if I'm happy with how everything turned out but I feel like I have matured so much in the past 2 years and learned so much through those experiences. Things that used to matter so much, don't anymore. Its
The problem right now, I feel like my life has hit a plateau defined by constant routine. School, eat, study, sleep and repeat. For once, I'm desiring change, it doesn't come. It's just one of those things that happen to you when you least expect it.
For now, I am embracing this hate love relationship with change. at least it gives me something to be excited about. The next time I write, hopefully I'd have some more exciting news to share.
loss of motivation
I seriously can't believe how fast time flies nowadays. Has it really been 4 months since I wrote my last post. That's pretty crazy. There's so many times where I really wanted to write a post but felt like there was nothing worth writing about and definitely nothing that was interesting enough for people to read. But yenno what, I'm writing this post for myself cos it makes me feel better. Haha my theory is that since I'm studying math at uni, I rarely get the chance to write sentences so it feels like a nice breath of fresh air . Is it weird that I actually enjoyed studying for and writing the business exam... need a break from all those numbers and calculations.
So if youre asking what this post is about, I can't really tell you because I don't even know myself. I should be studying right now since I'm so behind in school but whatever I could care less right now. Last week I had a pretty big breakdown due to all the stress that was built up. It doesn't help how I have really no one to go to. I mean, ever since grade 9, I always had one or a few friends that I could always depend on. Although its probably hard to believe and I try not to admit it, I'm the type of person that rely on friends alot since my relationship with my family was never that close (language barrier hahah fail) and I was never really interested in depending on a guy. The problem is that its really hard for me to show my emotions and be affectionate so I never experienced having a best friend or anything close but there were still a couple of people who I would chill with and talk to everyday. For the first time, I don't have that anymore and it feels so strange, not used to it at all. This post seems like its turning in a rant doesn't it.
Recently I gotten pretty close to some old friends from high school who definitely help me feel a little less alone and depressed but its not the same as having someone physically there. Like whatever happened to those people who you can just call and up do something fun last minute. It seem impossible to find someone like that. This lack of physically human contact is confusing me to think that I'm becoming desperate for companionship. but honestly, its about time. I feel like I've opened myself up just waiting for someone special to walk into my life. omg im beginning to sound a like cheese ball. this is not good ...
I just find it so hard to find motivation to do anything. I hate going out, I constantly have to force myself to socialize. Im not sure if its the people I surround myself with or just the way I am but I don't really have fun when I'm out. Partying has completely lost its appeal, like why would you want to cause yourself to feel shitty and useless for a whole day just to have fun a couple of hours. I have no motivation to get good marks in school, like whats the point? Im already doing so horrible, at this point I just want to pass. I have no motivation to go to the gym cos I just end up burying my sorrows in food anyways.
The only thing getting me through the days (wow I sound emo ...) is that fact that in two months, I'll be out of here for 8 months and working full time. I desperately need this change in my life.
So if youre asking what this post is about, I can't really tell you because I don't even know myself. I should be studying right now since I'm so behind in school but whatever I could care less right now. Last week I had a pretty big breakdown due to all the stress that was built up. It doesn't help how I have really no one to go to. I mean, ever since grade 9, I always had one or a few friends that I could always depend on. Although its probably hard to believe and I try not to admit it, I'm the type of person that rely on friends alot since my relationship with my family was never that close (language barrier hahah fail) and I was never really interested in depending on a guy. The problem is that its really hard for me to show my emotions and be affectionate so I never experienced having a best friend or anything close but there were still a couple of people who I would chill with and talk to everyday. For the first time, I don't have that anymore and it feels so strange, not used to it at all. This post seems like its turning in a rant doesn't it.
Recently I gotten pretty close to some old friends from high school who definitely help me feel a little less alone and depressed but its not the same as having someone physically there. Like whatever happened to those people who you can just call and up do something fun last minute. It seem impossible to find someone like that. This lack of physically human contact is confusing me to think that I'm becoming desperate for companionship. but honestly, its about time. I feel like I've opened myself up just waiting for someone special to walk into my life. omg im beginning to sound a like cheese ball. this is not good ...
I just find it so hard to find motivation to do anything. I hate going out, I constantly have to force myself to socialize. Im not sure if its the people I surround myself with or just the way I am but I don't really have fun when I'm out. Partying has completely lost its appeal, like why would you want to cause yourself to feel shitty and useless for a whole day just to have fun a couple of hours. I have no motivation to get good marks in school, like whats the point? Im already doing so horrible, at this point I just want to pass. I have no motivation to go to the gym cos I just end up burying my sorrows in food anyways.
The only thing getting me through the days (wow I sound emo ...) is that fact that in two months, I'll be out of here for 8 months and working full time. I desperately need this change in my life.
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