Why is the thought of being in love with someone so scary. I'm scared of opening my heart. I'm scared of falling so hard that it becomes out of my control.
I am just now remembering that one time I was hanging out with my friend and I suddenly asked him: "would you rather die when you've finally reached that point where you're completely satisfied with your life or when you feel like you're in the darkest part of your life". I'm not sure what brought upon this question but my answer was not hard to arrive at. There are many reason why I would choose the first of the two, some unexplainable. Even as a child, I was always motivated by success not failure. This still holds true today. I want to live until I can say that I have accomplished every realistic goal that I ever wanted to accomplish. I want to die when I'm old and happy. I mean, isn't that why we work so hard in life? We strive to eventually reach that happy place even if it means passing some hard times.
They say dreams are our subconscious mind telling a story. Then what does it mean when I find myself forced awake because I was tired of crying. In my dream that is. This was not the first time I've had a dream where the main event was me bawling over something I can't even remember for what felt like hours.
For the past couple of months, I've been really confused as to what exactly is causing me to feel so unsatisfied and distant to the world around me. I am slowly realizing that there is a much larger reason behind it than I ever anticipated. Metaphorically speaking, I am the monkey in the middle of two opposing sides who are throwing around the ball, in this case a much more abstract object. On one side is my teenager habits, thoughts and tendencies. This side is struggling to hold on to dear life, trying its hardest to demonstrate all the great adventure it has yet to unveil. On the other side, is my adulthood who is barely pulling a lead, showing me, the monkey, that it is the stronger and more experienced competitor. This invisible ball is something that I am trying so hard to grasp, as it will change the course of my life. I have a couple of predictions as to what it might be, could be. But, thinking too much into it won't do me any good. All I know is right now, being in the middle sucks, when you feel like you're stuck there.
If I don't ask you for money, what gives you the right to tell me how to use mine. There's obviously a reason why I CHOSE to work 7 days a week. Do I want to wake up every weekday at 6:30 in the morning to drag myself to work for 8 and a half hours, endure the long commute times and horrific traffic, come home and barely have time for myself because I CHOSE to take a night class as well. Do I want to go not be able to finally sleep in during the weekends and instead go to yet another job that requires me to smile at rude customers and unappreciative co-workers? I CHOSE this way to live so I don't have to ever ask you for money. Would it be better if I was to go out spending your money on food, alcohol and drugs like half of society does? I made a choice to work hard now so I can buy the stuff I want to buy. How do you even find the decency to dictate how to spend MY money that I work so hard for. It is so infuriating to go through this shit every time; there's only so much patience and understanding a person has.