I'm still young
Sometimes, its so easy to forget that I'm only one quarter into the rest of my life. Instead of trying to live my dream life right now, what I should be doing is creating that dream. I should focused on taking advantage of my youth by experiencing everything I need to before I can no longer. I should be working on achieving that final destination I would be happy staying in. I need to adventure into unfamiliar opportunities that come my way. This is how, one day, I can say that I haven't wasted my youth.
anxiety
Today, I had my first real anxiety attack and it was the worst feeling I have ever experienced in my life. At first, I suspected that it was due to lack of sleep but I tried to relieve that by taking a nap. Not only did I have trouble falling asleep (which rarely happens), I also had a very restless sleep (which is even more rare). When I awoke, the tiredness did not surpass and I was not in the mood to do anything. However, I forced myself to get up and start studying for my exam tomorrow.
As I was studying, I began to gradually experience dizziness and nausea then this unexplainable feeling of losing control. I have felt this before, mildly, but it usually went away within an hour. This horrible feeling lasted the entire afternoon until it started to progressively worsen.
The chest pains hit me suddenly and sharply , dragging with it waves of chills and hot flashes. That's when I got really worried; but at the same time, I was very aware of these symptoms so I tried to exercise deep breaths to prevent myself from hyperventilating. I began to research what might be the cause of all of this to find that it matches up to all the symptoms of an anxiety attack. This is really surprising to me since I'm generally a very unemotional and calm person. I hate showing showing any negative feelings almost as much as talking about. But today I realized when you keep it in for too long, its just going to all come out at once and that is extremely overwhelming.
Anyways, since I was completely alone in a room for hours, I figured that it might help if I was to go to the library and actually be surrounded by people even none of them are talking. So that's where I am right now, and I feel so much better but not completely normal. Maybe it was the fresh air during the walk there, or iced capp that I picked up on the way or just the feeling of having indirect human interaction.. Also writing this is almost like telling a very close friend whom I trust what I'm feeling so it helps alot.
For those couple of hours that seemed to drag on, I failed to believe in the phrase 'it gets better' but honestly, it felt like it was never going to. The worst thing about it is that I know that this is probably just the first of many.
I hate this feeling, please make it stop.
As I was studying, I began to gradually experience dizziness and nausea then this unexplainable feeling of losing control. I have felt this before, mildly, but it usually went away within an hour. This horrible feeling lasted the entire afternoon until it started to progressively worsen.
The chest pains hit me suddenly and sharply , dragging with it waves of chills and hot flashes. That's when I got really worried; but at the same time, I was very aware of these symptoms so I tried to exercise deep breaths to prevent myself from hyperventilating. I began to research what might be the cause of all of this to find that it matches up to all the symptoms of an anxiety attack. This is really surprising to me since I'm generally a very unemotional and calm person. I hate showing showing any negative feelings almost as much as talking about. But today I realized when you keep it in for too long, its just going to all come out at once and that is extremely overwhelming.
Anyways, since I was completely alone in a room for hours, I figured that it might help if I was to go to the library and actually be surrounded by people even none of them are talking. So that's where I am right now, and I feel so much better but not completely normal. Maybe it was the fresh air during the walk there, or iced capp that I picked up on the way or just the feeling of having indirect human interaction.. Also writing this is almost like telling a very close friend whom I trust what I'm feeling so it helps alot.
For those couple of hours that seemed to drag on, I failed to believe in the phrase 'it gets better' but honestly, it felt like it was never going to. The worst thing about it is that I know that this is probably just the first of many.
I hate this feeling, please make it stop.
how can I be myself when I dont know who I am.
Before I get started, I wanted to say that this post was inspired by a ridiculously deep video from Jenna Marbles. The content in that video is amazing and real. Basically, she talks about being yourself and that only you can be the best you. This is true and I totally agree with everything she says in the video but one thing I was thinking the entire time was : Who am I really?
Today, I made the mistake of looking through old facebook posts and pictures. The sad thing, I have the most horrible memory out of everyone I know sso this trip down memory lane was like a big reality slap in the face. It made me realize how much I dont understand myself even after all these years. Looking at the posts, it feels like I was a completely different person, one that I am not familiar with. It left me confused about when and what caused me to become so unemotional and so cold all the time. When did I stop being comfortable with myself and care so much about what other people think. I notice how happy I was as bad as this sounds, I feel like I havent been genuinely happy in a very long time. Jenna Marbles says that we become our own person as time go by. If this is true, then I am definitely not satisfied with the person I am becoming.
I am a believer of we can be who we want to be. As long as it feels natural and you feel good being that person, it's not fake. It's just time for me to find out what makes me feel like I am being myself.
Today, I made the mistake of looking through old facebook posts and pictures. The sad thing, I have the most horrible memory out of everyone I know sso this trip down memory lane was like a big reality slap in the face. It made me realize how much I dont understand myself even after all these years. Looking at the posts, it feels like I was a completely different person, one that I am not familiar with. It left me confused about when and what caused me to become so unemotional and so cold all the time. When did I stop being comfortable with myself and care so much about what other people think. I notice how happy I was as bad as this sounds, I feel like I havent been genuinely happy in a very long time. Jenna Marbles says that we become our own person as time go by. If this is true, then I am definitely not satisfied with the person I am becoming.
I am a believer of we can be who we want to be. As long as it feels natural and you feel good being that person, it's not fake. It's just time for me to find out what makes me feel like I am being myself.
change: good or bad?
Change: The act or instance of making or becoming different.
For me, change is good and bad but I am always accepting of change. I think if you welcome change with open arms, you will see the best out of it. On the contrary, how can you enjoy the difference that the change made if you refuse to accept it. Now, change can refer to many aspects of life including change in surrounding, change in physical appearance, personality, friend groups. somethings we don't want to change and some we can't wait to change.
Throughout the school years, I definitely feel like I went through so many changes that molded me to be the person I am today. I can't really decide if I'm happy with how everything turned out but I feel like I have matured so much in the past 2 years and learned so much through those experiences. Things that used to matter so much, don't anymore. Its
The problem right now, I feel like my life has hit a plateau defined by constant routine. School, eat, study, sleep and repeat. For once, I'm desiring change, it doesn't come. It's just one of those things that happen to you when you least expect it.
For now, I am embracing this hate love relationship with change. at least it gives me something to be excited about. The next time I write, hopefully I'd have some more exciting news to share.
For me, change is good and bad but I am always accepting of change. I think if you welcome change with open arms, you will see the best out of it. On the contrary, how can you enjoy the difference that the change made if you refuse to accept it. Now, change can refer to many aspects of life including change in surrounding, change in physical appearance, personality, friend groups. somethings we don't want to change and some we can't wait to change.
Throughout the school years, I definitely feel like I went through so many changes that molded me to be the person I am today. I can't really decide if I'm happy with how everything turned out but I feel like I have matured so much in the past 2 years and learned so much through those experiences. Things that used to matter so much, don't anymore. Its
The problem right now, I feel like my life has hit a plateau defined by constant routine. School, eat, study, sleep and repeat. For once, I'm desiring change, it doesn't come. It's just one of those things that happen to you when you least expect it.
For now, I am embracing this hate love relationship with change. at least it gives me something to be excited about. The next time I write, hopefully I'd have some more exciting news to share.
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